While I wouldn’t say that I am outright addicted to the internet, nothing really hammers home how dependent I am on it until it goes out. (￣◇￣;) It was the most back and forth sort of, “well, I can’t load my email right now, so I’ll go check tumblr — no, I can’t do that, I’ll go look at plurk — no, I can’t do that, either, I could just–” and so on. As I mentioned on Friday, I ended up going to a Starbucks in order to get my writing done — since I have copies on my hard drive, of course, but I also keep copies of everything I write in gdocs as well, on top of using 750words as where I do the bulk of my daily writing, so in essence I keep triplicate copies of stuff. ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ After the last time my external hard drive crashed, and then I lost the thumb drive where I was working from previously, I have been determined to keep multiple updated copies of things, in order to avoid morale-crushing setbacks. Thankfully (and obviously, I hope), things have been fixed! I am now free to procrastinate on the internet once again, hooray!! … wait.
In spite of this, and in spite of the busy weekend (friends from out of town were visiting, and Bite of Seattle was going on; who am I to ever say no to good friends and good food in the same context? this would be more meaningful and less funny if Hannibal weren’t such a thing right now, I’m sure), I still managed to be fairly productive, writing-wise! I hit my monthly/Camp NaNoWriMo goal of 50k for the month on Sunday, though I’ve heard that the validating tool doesn’t go up until the 25th. Oops. (That, and the fact that I have had to split the novel into two separate docs now, because the original one is just too overall bulky for me to be able to open it easily anymore.) I also made some progress on a separate side project, which is significantly more lighthearted than the novel. I’m enjoying the characters a great deal and as a result, I’ve been having a lot of fun with their particular scenario; it’s a good sort of detox for the novel — I don’t intend to stop or slow down on that one (sort of to my surprise) till I finish it, but it is nice to have the break and do new things now and then.
More than anything else, right now, I guess, I’m mostly feeling the strain of conflict between a “must” and a “want” — I want to spend all day writing; I want to finish both my novel and my secondary project; I want to work on that collaborative project with a friend of mine. I have a whole list of things I really would like to write and share! On the other hand, I must go to my day job; I must do things like cooking and helping with cleanup and laundry; I must actually try and be balanced and do other things, or else I will get cranky and lonely. It’s mostly the first that stymies me; I know that writing is hardly a lucrative job, and I know that it’s not even that great for being able to support oneself with on the most basic level, but boy howdy do I have a lot of wistful dreams that have been going on with increasing severity this past month. I still feel a whole lot like this isn’t enough even though I am working hard at the actual progression of the story — I am adding at least 1k words a day, even on top of everything else, and it’s all got to be a slow and steady progress. I know that! I still end up feeling like I have fallen behind and I’m not getting where I want to be, and it’s frustrating.
I do feel good that even with the busy weekend I managed to be productive in the way I wanted — that is, at least 2k words on the novel per day, with any extra as a happy bonus. I just need to get to a point where that feels like enough. I mentioned to a couple of friends (who are also writers, and who have gotten published via indie presses) that I feel a really strong sense of imposter syndrome when I try to talk about myself as a writer. Despite my efforts to really focus on it, and make it a serious obligation — not just a hobby! — there are definitely times where it feels like I am falling short of actually being where I want to be.
On the other hand, man, I wrote over 50k words on a single project in less than 30 days, which is NaNoWriMo’s ultimate goal. I am allowed to be proud of myself, she says, five minutes before she hits “post” and goes back to working.
(Well, with a brief break to make and eat dinner, and possibly play a silly farming game. Baby steps.)